I’m Bipolar. So, there’s that.

Today is my first day back to ‘reality’.

I spent all of last week at my parent’s house.

It was actually very relaxing and nice.

I was the center of attention- and I enjoyed it.

Thanks, mom.

So anywho, many of you know my story of how I got to where I am.

Of course it begins with my birth- and I was convinced I could remember it (ha) – but I correlated that memory with the first memory I had after the car accident.

I remember feeling safe and warm and not wanting to be pulled (or pushed) out of my warm and safe ‘womb’ where I could not feel any pain, but the doctor who was sewing my eyebrow shut and literally inches from my face was trying to talk to me and make sure I was coherent.

I also remember feeling the warmth on my arms [both] as they laid my casts from my hands to my shoulders.

SO I guess it was just a mixture of thoughts and fears and memories trying to process what the hell just happened to me.

I also feel like I know what my death will be like because I had myself CONVINCED I was dying.

I could not remember the accident and now, 16 years later, It has all come back to me. Crystal clear.

I remember the confusion.

I remember all the people stopping and getting out of the cars to see if they could help.

I remember all the chaos, the yelling, the crying…..I remember it.

I remember the men holding my arms and legs as the acid was eating my flesh and I couldn’t get the words out.

They did not know that the antifreeze was so hot that it burned my skin and continued to do so as they tried to hold me still to avoid spinal injury.

I forgave them for they knew not what they were doing.

My father was holding my head and making me ‘look into his eyes’

I know I made some inhumane noises and I thought I was SCREAMing Daddy it hurts please make it stop!!! Make it stop!!! but apparently that is not what it sounded like.

If they knew I was in the most excruciating pain I will probably ever experience, they would have moved me away from the puddle of antifreeze I was lying in.

I was in pain.

So. Much. Pain.

I think I died for a moment. They tell me I was unconscious. My mom tells me that she thought I was dead when she saw me lying still with my eyes open and her poor heart was torn between coming to my aide or to my sister’s aid first.

It was a mortifying experience for EVERYone involved.

But my memories were suppressed and buried for a long time.

So much has changed since then.

I am finding my path and my career, but I am getting ahead of myself.

I have taken on so many responsibilities.

I need to paint for customers because I need money to live. But I also have many donation requests [like, MANY] and family friends and friends of friends that need a glass here and there and I have very limited time to paint. And limited resources that would expedite business.

I worry too much about what everyone thinks when I say no, so I always say yes and I guess I had to learn the hard way that I have to take care of me first. And be a good [non-over-the-top-stressful-ball-of-worries] mom to my children.

I am taking back my life this summer.

Makikisart is going to be great, but for now I have to work on Kimmy.

If I am really manic, I gotta tell you it is not so bad. It’s actually a great feeling and I trust my husband and Dr.s so I will never refuse medicine if that is what I continue to need.

I am always happy and full of love, my cup runneth over and I believe that no one, no title, no medicine can ever take that away.

So I appreciate the patience and compassion from everyone I have contacted so far…

I still Love everyone 😉

~Kimmy

 

Comments

  1. Sokmunkeez says:

    I love your stuff even more now that I know about the bipolar dx.

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