So whatever happened to that Makikisart?

Hello you!!!

Happy New Year!

You may have (but probably not) noticed that I have been MIA from the whole social media scene as of late.

I have been kind of not myself for a long time.

Good news, I am feeling back to normal. Well, back to normal-er.

I’m not totally completely sure what normal is for me anymore.

I would assume that anyone who has struggled with mental illness can relate.

It is a new chapter…..but it is still a great book.

I painted a series of butterflies which after a conversation with my bff, I now call Bipolar Butterlies. Life can be ugly and beautiful. Pretty and a complete mess.

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So 2014 didn’t end up being quite what I thought it would be.

I was sure it would be the year of Kimmy.

That as I turned 35 I would be in the best physical shape of my life. That Makikisart would really take off and become more established as a business. That I would get my finances and priorities in order and finally get it ‘all’ together… be an official grown up.

And I was off to a great start too.

Until life threw a big ol’ wrench smack into it.

Having a new living arrangement and stressing myself out over finances and such, I started taking an antidepressant for anxiety.

Well, turns out… if you have an underlying chemical imbalance that makes you bipolar (especially when you had NO idea)… the antidepressant can send you into the mania stage.

It was not a fast process, we are talking months here.

I was slowly feeling better and better and loving life and loving exercise and eating less junk and although I didn’t realize it, I was sleeping less.

It was  in May, when I started having irrational thoughts and ideas that loved ones recognized the symptoms.

I was in denial. Which is typical apparently.

I was convinced, literally convinced that I had a pivotal roll in mending conflicts on a national if not, world wide level.

I will share specifics in a later post but for now, let’s just say that I was sure that I knew things that were going to happen, before they would happen. I knew and understood issues that man has been debating for all time.

At the climax, I was not sleeping. At all.

My poor husband was watching me lose my mind and couldn’t help me.

Beyond fortunately, I was blessed to experience this with loved ones who knew how to handle it.

I was able to avoid being hospitalized (which would have been inevitable) and spent a week at my parents with my family, away from my children.

I was given serious sedatives to sleep and began meeting with a psychiatrist.

I feel like I truly lost the rest of the year.

I was in such depression as my body was recovering and restoring balance.

I lost the urge to paint. And the few commissioned pieces I did paint were not fun to do. It felt like work. And it wasn’t the joy it used to be. And although others insisted I was, I felt I wasn’t as good as I used to be. Like I had lost my touch.

I no longer wanted to exercise. I had lost any progress I had made and ended up gaining weight and being in the worst physical shape.

There were many points where I hated my life.

I just felt like everything was all wrong. I couldn’t explain it, it was all just…off. There was no joy. I was sad all the time.

I remember sitting at a lake, next to my husband, watching my children laugh and swim …and crying. Thinking that I knew I should be happy and enjoy this otherwise wonderful afternoon, but crying. And feeling that I would not be upset if it all ended. If my life were to be over.

Luckily, I never reached a point of being suicidal or hurting myself, but I could relate to how people get that desperate.

Anyway, long story short, it has been an uphill road, but I am feeling much more like my old self. I take a mood stabilizer without any real side effects.

While business came to a practical stand still, I am ready to start painting again. I no longer want to hide under a rock.

I started the INSANITY workout again (ironic, huh?) and I really feel the difference natural endorphins create. While I don’t LOVE exercise like I did, it’s work to get out of bed early and it feels like work all throughout, but it feels amazing when I’m done. And I feel better the rest of the day. I eat better. I sleep better. I am just….better.

So here’s to continuing this journey.

To getting off the bench and back in the game.

I will be more present and keep you posted with my progress.

And here’s to 2015 and turning 36 , which is actually my second favorite number (after 6, which is 6×6)

While I am not making any major resolutions like being in the best shape of my life, or running half marathons, or launching my own line of signature glassware on my own website, I am going to keep working on being better than I was yesterday. Keep moving forward. Just keep swimming.

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Which is a way better. And more realistic. Life is stressful enough.

I am learning to love myself just as I am. To enjoy this ride called life.

To focus on being happy, finding the silver lining and spreading love in this world.

I am taking my own advice and going to continue

Letting. Love. Win.

 

 

Comments

  1. Hello YOU!!! You’re one lucky girl and I’m glad you’re feeling better. Baby steps. <3 Big hugs!

  2. Christine Newman says:

    I, for one, DID notice your absence and thought about you often! I’m so glad you’re feeling better and getting back to what you love!! I look forward to seeing you more often again on Facebook! 🙂

  3. Welcome back! It’s a long journey, but sounds like you’re heading in the right direction 🙂 There’s no rush – but glad you’re on the road.

    And those butterflies are awesome!

  4. Katy Neff says:

    Love your goals and thinking I should set more day by day goals myself!

  5. Michelle Mitchell says:

    So glad you’re feeling better and on track to making everyday better than the day before. Continue the fight, you can win!

  6. You can do this. I know from years of personal experience how absolutley all-encompassing this illness feels. It takes over everything, grows roots in every vein. However, never forget that you are MORE then this illness. It does not define you.

    Keep following that inner light breaking forth, shining the way. I may be a stranger to you but you inspire me and I will keep you in my thoughts. Shine on, amazing lady.

  7. Jacquelyn Oswald says:

    Congratulations to be going back up hill!! I suffer from fibromyalgia which some days are spent on the couch, depression and anxiety and other things. I love your butterflies

  8. Janet Graham says:

    welcome to life, which is always a road that is constantly curving, changing from paved to gravel…rough to smooth…always moving .but along the way you will see many wondrous sceneries, find hidden gems, experiences and insight.
    You will be a new you. Not a broken you or a bad you….just a new you.
    Be kind to yourself my friend as you deserve your kindness more than anyone else in the world.
    It’s a tough experience to go through and thankfully you have close family and friends to help. Love them and appreciate them, let them help.

  9. Stormy Steigenga says:

    I noticed your absence and am glad to hear you are back and feeling better! Cheers to a good new year!

  10. You are very brave to share your story. Wishing you a very successful and healthy new year.

  11. I am so glad you were able to get the help you needed. I suffer from depression and KNOW the struggle. Here’s to a new year, a new you!!

  12. Judy Dersch says:

    So glad to see you back, your paintings are an inspiration to me and I have always used them as a beautiful remedy for an uplifting experience during down times in my life.

    If you fall 6 times get up 7 times, you are worth it and just reading your story has been an inspiration to me. Thank you for sharing and it will be fantastic to see new feelings from you flowing onto hard surfaces. Your butterflies are just a beginning of what I am sure is to come.

  13. Welcome back. My significant other suffers from Bipolar disorder and I am so glad your family stood by you. He has not been so fortunate in the past. Blessing to you and your continued walk in this wonderful world of life. I love your work!

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