Happy New Year!
You may have (but probably not) noticed that I have been MIA from the whole social media scene as of late.
I have been kind of not myself for a long time.
Good news, I am feeling back to normal. Well, back to normal-er.
I’m not totally completely sure what normal is for me anymore.
I would assume that anyone who has struggled with mental illness can relate.
It is a new chapter…..but it is still a great book.
I painted a series of butterflies which after a conversation with my bff, I now call Bipolar Butterlies. Life can be ugly and beautiful. Pretty and a complete mess.
So 2014 didn’t end up being quite what I thought it would be.
I was sure it would be the year of Kimmy.
That as I turned 35 I would be in the best physical shape of my life. That Makikisart would really take off and become more established as a business. That I would get my finances and priorities in order and finally get it ‘all’ together… be an official grown up.
And I was off to a great start too.
Until life threw a big ol’ wrench smack into it.
Having a new living arrangement and stressing myself out over finances and such, I started taking an antidepressant for anxiety.
Well, turns out… if you have an underlying chemical imbalance that makes you bipolar (especially when you had NO idea)… the antidepressant can send you into the mania stage.
It was not a fast process, we are talking months here.
I was slowly feeling better and better and loving life and loving exercise and eating less junk and although I didn’t realize it, I was sleeping less.
It was in May, when I started having irrational thoughts and ideas that loved ones recognized the symptoms.
I was in denial. Which is typical apparently.
I was convinced, literally convinced that I had a pivotal roll in mending conflicts on a national if not, world wide level.
I will share specifics in a later post but for now, let’s just say that I was sure that I knew things that were going to happen, before they would happen. I knew and understood issues that man has been debating for all time.
At the climax, I was not sleeping. At all.
My poor husband was watching me lose my mind and couldn’t help me.
Beyond fortunately, I was blessed to experience this with loved ones who knew how to handle it.
I was able to avoid being hospitalized (which would have been inevitable) and spent a week at my parents with my family, away from my children.
I was given serious sedatives to sleep and began meeting with a psychiatrist.
I feel like I truly lost the rest of the year.
I was in such depression as my body was recovering and restoring balance.
I lost the urge to paint. And the few commissioned pieces I did paint were not fun to do. It felt like work. And it wasn’t the joy it used to be. And although others insisted I was, I felt I wasn’t as good as I used to be. Like I had lost my touch.
I no longer wanted to exercise. I had lost any progress I had made and ended up gaining weight and being in the worst physical shape.
There were many points where I hated my life.
I just felt like everything was all wrong. I couldn’t explain it, it was all just…off. There was no joy. I was sad all the time.
I remember sitting at a lake, next to my husband, watching my children laugh and swim …and crying. Thinking that I knew I should be happy and enjoy this otherwise wonderful afternoon, but crying. And feeling that I would not be upset if it all ended. If my life were to be over.
Luckily, I never reached a point of being suicidal or hurting myself, but I could relate to how people get that desperate.
Anyway, long story short, it has been an uphill road, but I am feeling much more like my old self. I take a mood stabilizer without any real side effects.
While business came to a practical stand still, I am ready to start painting again. I no longer want to hide under a rock.
I started the INSANITY workout again (ironic, huh?) and I really feel the difference natural endorphins create. While I don’t LOVE exercise like I did, it’s work to get out of bed early and it feels like work all throughout, but it feels amazing when I’m done. And I feel better the rest of the day. I eat better. I sleep better. I am just….better.
So here’s to continuing this journey.
To getting off the bench and back in the game.
I will be more present and keep you posted with my progress.
And here’s to 2015 and turning 36 , which is actually my second favorite number (after 6, which is 6×6)
While I am not making any major resolutions like being in the best shape of my life, or running half marathons, or launching my own line of signature glassware on my own website, I am going to keep working on being better than I was yesterday. Keep moving forward. Just keep swimming.
Which is a way better. And more realistic. Life is stressful enough.
I am learning to love myself just as I am. To enjoy this ride called life.
To focus on being happy, finding the silver lining and spreading love in this world.
I am taking my own advice and going to continue
Letting. Love. Win.