Did you miss me?!
I missed this.
SO COME WIN A CUSTOM WINE GLASS!!!!!!!!
And we’ll start all this madness again.
let love win.
Did you miss me?!
I missed this.
SO COME WIN A CUSTOM WINE GLASS!!!!!!!!
And we’ll start all this madness again.
let love win.
SO it happened. Again.
I recently had a manic episode.
It may be cyclical, seasonal, annual, whatever it is, it happened again and threw me for a loop. Again.
What most people (myself included) may not realize about mental illness, is that you really have no control over it.
I got happy. Too happy, again.
I was on an a healthy exercise kick, again.
I got too grandiose with my thoughts, again.
And it stinks too, because once again, life was feeling good. I was feeling happy and off to a great start in a new year.
But I went too far and started sleeping less which led to full blown mania.
I was not as hysterical to as many people as last time. But my thoughts were delusional.
I was receiving a message from God that doesnt sit right with this world.
SO I had to go on medicine to bring me back down.
So here I am. Feeling down.
Which depression is expected as you recover from mania.
And I am meeting with my psychiatrist to try a new medicine because of potentially bad side effects.
I dont feel as low as last year. Yet.
And heres to hoping I wont have to feel that low.
I am optimistic that each and every episode from here on will be a learning curve with less and less negative side effects.
As many people who deal with any form of mental illness, learn.
Just know that there is no shame.
No matter what you are going through, there is a betterness in sight.
And if you have a loved one struggling with mental illness, try to be patient and be and remain a positive influence for them.
If I didnt have such an amazing husband who is so patient yet pushy-when-he-needs-to-be, I dont know where I would be.
But I know it would be a lot worse than it could ever be. Because of him, and his love for me.
SO continue to be supportive of others.
Even strangers. Be kind. We have no idea what they are going through and what kind of/or lack of support they have.
Not all battle scars are easily recognized. Find the beauty in each other.
Be blessings to each other in this world.
Let. Love. Win.
Reaseon why we cant have things.
Reason why we cant have nice things.
Reason why we cant have ANYthing.
All I can say is that my faith is renewed every second. Especially my faith in humanity because you guys show me DAILY how much peace and love is out there.
We ALL have our own stories, our own ‘heavens’ and ‘hells’.
But what I know for 100% (for anyone who knows anything about cognitive dissonance) is that I am SUPPOSED to be sharing everything with you all.
And my husband, my gift from God himself; my psychiatrist and my psychologist (yes, I have both) are ok with me sharing this
LOVE. IS. WINNING.
and i have peace with that
*footsteps to center stage, drops soap box and steps up*
So here’s my message from my soap box.
I have purpousfully left religion at a minimum on my blog and off my page.
I would rather be an example of a Christ-like person without offering people’s immediate bias or opinion to impair my message.
I was ok with ‘Quiet Evangelism’ (I learned this term from an amazing on line friend).
But … I.m bipolar.
And my ‘mania’ is recieving a direct message from the big guy and trying to convey it to….. someone.
It didn’t work with my family like I hoped it would. My brain had a surplus of thoughts and understanding and I couldn’t translate with words without seeming like a …maniac.
Then I was drugged which silenced my thoughts for a long time. And I was sad. Sadder than I have ever been.
But then, I started being happy and feeling like my old self again which guess what, is a little manic.
So this time My husband was the only witness and he was able to follow me down this mental rabbit hole of trying to figure out whether I was receiving a message or not, and whether or not I had to deliver it for whom ever it is for.
Well I have heard this voice (because it was my own voice in my head)- and I have heard it all my life.
I haven’t been crazy or wierd, I have been ECCENTRIC right? That was my first post.
I cannot even try to explain everything that has happened in my brain (especially prior to this typing of this post) without sounding like a maniac.
So maybe I am manic now. Maybe I shouldn’t be writing a post to the public.
But I am.
I have been trying to figure out the message and who it is for, for way too long.
Whoever you are that this post speaks to…. you are the one. I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith.
I have faith.
I have more faith in my God than I have ever in my life.
He has answered every question and every concern and every doubt I have laid before Him.
My merssage to you is….give Him a chance.
You may not need Church, you may not need docterine, you may not need a sermon (which is ok that many many do) but I questioned all of those things myself over the years.
You just need to give Him a fighting chance.
He will meet you where you are.
It is not supposed to be about who sins or what is or isn’t a sin or any judgement or debate or schism in the church.
It is about love.
Learning about HIM and His love for you.
Read your Bible. Not the study, or the sermon or the textbooks-others opinions of what their impression of God has to say from their life’s experience and history and education … try the word for yourself.
I am all for church and fellowship and learning from one another. I am afraid so many people let the politics of it all hinder their opinion of what needs to happen to meet Him. It’s not. You can meet Him all by yourself.
And once you recieve that opportunity to feel Him -you will be changed.
It is about love.
And loving EVERYONE.
It is ok to not understand the ‘why’s’ and the suffering.
That wasw a HUGE concern for me.
I got pregnant before I was married with (lets be honest) a practical stranger.
And I have been secretly worrying about what my punishment will be for that; illness, disease, any developemental issues…. but guess what I was told-
It doesn’t work that way. None of this works that way.
You can be angry with God all you want. I know I have been.
But give a relationship with Him a chance. And he may show you the answers.
I am finally at a point where I truly understand and am able to follow His word.
Just give Him a chance. A real, honest chance. You have nothing to lose.
I am going to continue my irrationally happy life with my wonderful perfectly imperfect self and family and treat each day like the gift it truly is. And I no longer pray for nothing bad to happen to me or my loved ones, I pray to handle whatever comes with grace and understanding. To use what I am dealt to better things. Even if it is showing someone how to live a Christ-FILLED life under negative circumstances.
And that my friend, is my sermon.
So I recently watched a documentary that I cannot get out of my head. And I don’t want to.
It was compelling, it was heartbreaking, it was raw, it was real.
A Path Appears on PBS was a three part documentary about making a difference in the world.
‘The title is from Lu Xun, a prominent Chinese writer who said that Hope is like a path in the countryside. First, there is no path but as more and more people walk again and again…a path appears. Meaning a solution appears. It’s about innovative strategies for making a difference.” -Sheryl WuDunn
Watching something like this not only inspires a desire to make a difference. it makes you look at your own life in a new perspective.
I know it is not possible for us all to make the change we would like to.
But in a parallel thought, as these individual stories are drops that make ripples and spread positivity, so can our daily thoughts and activities.
We can have a positive influence on our surroundings all the time.
It is how we treat eachother.
Kindness goes such a long way.
Doesn’t that person whether it was a server or casheir or postman or the person in front of you in line, who was so happy and smiling, bubbling over…..didn’t they make you smile?
Smiling is contageous y’all.
And that can be a drop that makes ripples and spreads positivity.
It may not be a solution for the world’s issues, but it helps.
And to those who seem immune, you never know what they are going through. You may never understand their perception.
The Severus Snapes of the world- mind you, I recently finished the Harry Potters so spoiler alert if you, like me, are so behind pop culturally and have yet to finish the Potter series- the misunderstood, often seeming negative folk may be just that. Misunderstood.
Their expression may not be percepted properly because we don’t always get to see the entire backstory and thought process at the end of interaction we have with people.
So, even though it is our nature to jump to the defense over every interaction, even the way that driver looked at you when you drove by, we don’t necessarily perceive their expression properly.
It is so easy to snap back.
It is hard to smile and let it go.
It is harder yet, to be positive with the people in our lives that just bring us down. Whether it is judgement, criticism, cruelty or just plain jealousy, we should try to stop it. Stop that negative ripple and counteract with a positive one.
Be an example to those around you.
Life can be yucky.
For everyone of us.
But we can choose to make a difference no matter how small it may seem, we will never know how big it can grow, if we choose kindness. If we choose love.
Let love win.
“The most important one” answered Jesus, “is this: love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength. The second is this: Love your neighbor as yourself. There is no commandment greater than these.”
Happy New Year!
You may have (but probably not) noticed that I have been MIA from the whole social media scene as of late.
I have been kind of not myself for a long time.
Good news, I am feeling back to normal. Well, back to normal-er.
I’m not totally completely sure what normal is for me anymore.
I would assume that anyone who has struggled with mental illness can relate.
It is a new chapter…..but it is still a great book.
I painted a series of butterflies which after a conversation with my bff, I now call Bipolar Butterlies. Life can be ugly and beautiful. Pretty and a complete mess.
So 2014 didn’t end up being quite what I thought it would be.
I was sure it would be the year of Kimmy.
That as I turned 35 I would be in the best physical shape of my life. That Makikisart would really take off and become more established as a business. That I would get my finances and priorities in order and finally get it ‘all’ together… be an official grown up.
And I was off to a great start too.
Until life threw a big ol’ wrench smack into it.
Having a new living arrangement and stressing myself out over finances and such, I started taking an antidepressant for anxiety.
Well, turns out… if you have an underlying chemical imbalance that makes you bipolar (especially when you had NO idea)… the antidepressant can send you into the mania stage.
It was not a fast process, we are talking months here.
I was slowly feeling better and better and loving life and loving exercise and eating less junk and although I didn’t realize it, I was sleeping less.
It was in May, when I started having irrational thoughts and ideas that loved ones recognized the symptoms.
I was in denial. Which is typical apparently.
I was convinced, literally convinced that I had a pivotal roll in mending conflicts on a national if not, world wide level.
I will share specifics in a later post but for now, let’s just say that I was sure that I knew things that were going to happen, before they would happen. I knew and understood issues that man has been debating for all time.
At the climax, I was not sleeping. At all.
My poor husband was watching me lose my mind and couldn’t help me.
Beyond fortunately, I was blessed to experience this with loved ones who knew how to handle it.
I was able to avoid being hospitalized (which would have been inevitable) and spent a week at my parents with my family, away from my children.
I was given serious sedatives to sleep and began meeting with a psychiatrist.
I feel like I truly lost the rest of the year.
I was in such depression as my body was recovering and restoring balance.
I lost the urge to paint. And the few commissioned pieces I did paint were not fun to do. It felt like work. And it wasn’t the joy it used to be. And although others insisted I was, I felt I wasn’t as good as I used to be. Like I had lost my touch.
I no longer wanted to exercise. I had lost any progress I had made and ended up gaining weight and being in the worst physical shape.
There were many points where I hated my life.
I just felt like everything was all wrong. I couldn’t explain it, it was all just…off. There was no joy. I was sad all the time.
I remember sitting at a lake, next to my husband, watching my children laugh and swim …and crying. Thinking that I knew I should be happy and enjoy this otherwise wonderful afternoon, but crying. And feeling that I would not be upset if it all ended. If my life were to be over.
Luckily, I never reached a point of being suicidal or hurting myself, but I could relate to how people get that desperate.
Anyway, long story short, it has been an uphill road, but I am feeling much more like my old self. I take a mood stabilizer without any real side effects.
While business came to a practical stand still, I am ready to start painting again. I no longer want to hide under a rock.
I started the INSANITY workout again (ironic, huh?) and I really feel the difference natural endorphins create. While I don’t LOVE exercise like I did, it’s work to get out of bed early and it feels like work all throughout, but it feels amazing when I’m done. And I feel better the rest of the day. I eat better. I sleep better. I am just….better.
So here’s to continuing this journey.
To getting off the bench and back in the game.
I will be more present and keep you posted with my progress.
And here’s to 2015 and turning 36 , which is actually my second favorite number (after 6, which is 6×6)
While I am not making any major resolutions like being in the best shape of my life, or running half marathons, or launching my own line of signature glassware on my own website, I am going to keep working on being better than I was yesterday. Keep moving forward. Just keep swimming.
Which is a way better. And more realistic. Life is stressful enough.
I am learning to love myself just as I am. To enjoy this ride called life.
To focus on being happy, finding the silver lining and spreading love in this world.
I am taking my own advice and going to continue
Letting. Love. Win.
So I just broke a painted sheet of glass.
Aaaaand I need to take a break from painting.
I am trying to get back into the habit of enjoying painting while preparing for my next art show aaand it’s different.
Different than how it used to be.
Life is different than how it used to be.
I don’t feel like I used to.
I don’t feel all energetic and emotional and motivated, listening to loud music and just feeling… the mood to create.
I also took a bit of a hiatus from socializing (physically and virtually).
However, school starts Monday for both my miniature people and it is high time I start living this life again instead of hiding out and waiting until I feel normal again.
Because apparently I never felt ‘normal’.
After developing a very new relationship with my new Dr. I have come to accept that I have been experiencing minimal mood shifts and hypomania for most of my adult life.
Upon moving into our new living situation I started taking an antidepressant to help me deal with stress and anxiety, which apparently lead me [slowly] into full blown mania.
It really sucks. And I hate that word. But it fits.
I will share more details of my whole ‘adventure’ (which quite honestly, was the best time and the most fun I have ever had) in a later post.
This one is to get reacquainted with the world.
The sucky part started immediately after the fun part. I had to take some heavy hitting medication to bring me down and I have been down for awhile now.
I wish so badly I could go back up to my functional irrationally happy/slightly annoying self. And I may never get to.
But we are working on it.
I am on two mood stabilizers and am hoping once school starts and my family is back on some sort of schedule, to return to a healthy lifestyle and recommit to exercise.
I just wish painting was as freeflowing as it used to be. And I am anticipating it to be so.
Here is a peek of a few of the pieces I am currently working on:
Things are starting to get better already.
I am no longer crying for no reason or experiencing moments of ridiculous sadness and hopelessness.
I am back to feeling like life is worth living.
And I hope to soon be back to always finding the silver lining. That gift I seem to have lost lately.
But…. I’m here.
SO here’s to finding my path again and to sharing love -because that part I thought I lost but now I know I cannot-
Let. Love. Win.
Today is my first day back to ‘reality’.
I spent all of last week at my parent’s house.
It was actually very relaxing and nice.
I was the center of attention- and I enjoyed it.
So anywho, many of you know my story of how I got to where I am.
Of course it begins with my birth- and I was convinced I could remember it (ha) – but I correlated that memory with the first memory I had after the car accident.
I remember feeling safe and warm and not wanting to be pulled (or pushed) out of my warm and safe ‘womb’ where I could not feel any pain, but the doctor who was sewing my eyebrow shut and literally inches from my face was trying to talk to me and make sure I was coherent.
I also remember feeling the warmth on my arms [both] as they laid my casts from my hands to my shoulders.
SO I guess it was just a mixture of thoughts and fears and memories trying to process what the hell just happened to me.
I also feel like I know what my death will be like because I had myself CONVINCED I was dying.
I could not remember the accident and now, 16 years later, It has all come back to me. Crystal clear.
I remember the confusion.
I remember all the people stopping and getting out of the cars to see if they could help.
I remember all the chaos, the yelling, the crying…..I remember it.
I remember the men holding my arms and legs as the acid was eating my flesh and I couldn’t get the words out.
They did not know that the antifreeze was so hot that it burned my skin and continued to do so as they tried to hold me still to avoid spinal injury.
I forgave them for they knew not what they were doing.
My father was holding my head and making me ‘look into his eyes’
I know I made some inhumane noises and I thought I was SCREAMing Daddy it hurts please make it stop!!! Make it stop!!! but apparently that is not what it sounded like.
If they knew I was in the most excruciating pain I will probably ever experience, they would have moved me away from the puddle of antifreeze I was lying in.
I was in pain.
So. Much. Pain.
I think I died for a moment. They tell me I was unconscious. My mom tells me that she thought I was dead when she saw me lying still with my eyes open and her poor heart was torn between coming to my aide or to my sister’s aid first.
It was a mortifying experience for EVERYone involved.
But my memories were suppressed and buried for a long time.
So much has changed since then.
I am finding my path and my career, but I am getting ahead of myself.
I have taken on so many responsibilities.
I need to paint for customers because I need money to live. But I also have many donation requests [like, MANY] and family friends and friends of friends that need a glass here and there and I have very limited time to paint. And limited resources that would expedite business.
I worry too much about what everyone thinks when I say no, so I always say yes and I guess I had to learn the hard way that I have to take care of me first. And be a good [non-over-the-top-stressful-ball-of-worries] mom to my children.
I am taking back my life this summer.
Makikisart is going to be great, but for now I have to work on Kimmy.
If I am really manic, I gotta tell you it is not so bad. It’s actually a great feeling and I trust my husband and Dr.s so I will never refuse medicine if that is what I continue to need.
I am always happy and full of love, my cup runneth over and I believe that no one, no title, no medicine can ever take that away.
So I appreciate the patience and compassion from everyone I have contacted so far…
I still Love everyone 😉
So there is this story about this guy who made a lot of people mad because of his [ignorant] life views.
This story does not surprise me at all.
I am not surprised that some rich, powerful guy who makes his money off others does not recognize nor appreciate the people or talent he makes his money off of.
That’s not news.
What IS news according to our world is that while this guy DOES have the freedom to feel the way he does in this country, he is not allowed to express them. In a phone call. With one significant other in a what-was-thought-to-be a private conversation.
Don’t get me wrong, he is obviously wrong.
But people are not focusing on the important factor of this story.
The world (or the media’s control of our world) perspective of this story is focused on the drama.
The REAL story that SHOULD be receiving the attention is the legalities.
I think most of us feel protected here in ‘Merica and don’t have too much concern for losing our rights as citizens but guess what folks, it is ALREADY happening!
This is just one example of many all over the news where people’s privacy is being demolished with the dawn of social media and it is changing everything.
This man was raked over the coals in front of the country and lost his job, and money and was banned from his industry because of a conversation that was blasted over media. He was not on a soapbox condemning anyone, he was not slewing hate speech to the masses.
Do not misinterpret me.
I am NOT defending him with this point.
I am pointing to an arising issue that we are missing because it is our nature to get so caught up with drama.
This sounds eerily familiar to someone else who was also raked over the social condemnation coals for using language that was from her life experience. And I love that woman. She loves butter, I love butter.
We are losing our freedom as we speak.
A huge issue at this very moment is being defined about whether or not police will be allowed to search your cell phone with an arrest warrant.
This is huge people.
I personally have no problem with this because I have nothing to hide but it is the principal.
We are losing our freedom.
Social media can post pictures of any one and it can go viral without their own knowledge.
My first experience with this was when someone complained about public pictures that were posted on a bar/dance club’s fan page and people were being documented for the world to see without their knowledge.
It happens EVERY where now.
I worry for our children, for my daughter.
We are all at EVERYone’s disposal because ANYone can post anyTHING whether it is true or tampered with and it is free to go viral for the world to see without any justice.
We have all heard stories of student’s accusing teachers, employee’s accusing bosses about anything and once this happens, the accused is condemned until proven innocent.
We are losing freedom.
People are now capable of condemning anyone with any incriminating detail- whether it is valid, circumstancial or completely made up!
It is a new world folks.
My only advice is to try not to jump on the bandwagon and condemn anyone or anything before you really know anything about it.
And I don’t mean by the viral memes and such.
Social media is breaking down the news and media’s control of our perception of the ‘goings-on’ of the world.
It is truly the dawn of a new age.
News is liquid.
We are learning events from first person point of views AS they are happening. BEFORE the powers-at- be have time to manipulate it.
But the flip side to this exiting coin is that we have to truly consider what our focus is.
Let’s try to be less hateful, and try to look at everything with a little bit of grace. With love.
Glass houses, people.
I would hate for the world to run with any of my faults before I had a chance to stand trial.
SO continue in love all 🙂