Being Bipolar Chapter One

SO here’s the thing.

Lots of people don’t really know how to act or what to say to someone that they have not seen in awhile but read on Facebook that they were ‘just diagnosed as Bipolar’.

‘Are you oks?’ and ‘I’m sorrys’ are fine but there is not a cliff note version for me to explain the 35 year-in-the-making-of-this-diagnose and how I really AM and am going TO BE ok.

Hugs are great.

A week ago, I thought hugs equaled miracles and truly had myself convinced I could save the world one hug at a time because it would pay forward and multiply so intensely.

But those were irrational thoughts.

And I was not sleeping.

Although I thought I was. I was CONVINCED that I was.

Thankfully, I am so blessed with a family that is patient and loving and willing to do all they can for me and let me ride it out without forcing me to do anything I was not comfortable doing.

Most importantly, I have the MOST amazing husband.

I have never boasted this before. It is way overdue.

We are living the not so typical happily-ever-after life one has when they really get to know their spouse after they get married.

But I’ll tell you what…

We have had ups and downs, bumps in the road, sharp turns and I am more in love with that man than ever.

I have the best support team one could ask for.

SO being Bipolar is not so bad. For me. It is hell for my loved ones and I am so sorry.

I truly empathize with anyone who does not have the solid support system I have. I look at every person differently now. You never know what ANYone is going through. Even if it is a a stranger or best friend. A coworker or  a family member.  An acquaintance or a spouse.

Another valid reason to be kind to one another. To love.

The worst part about it is that I was on an awesome exercise stint until 2 weeks ago. The medication I am taking stinks stinks stinks. Not only does it give me terrible dry mouth, it makes the morning walk down the stairs feel like the guy that closed the bars trying to stumble out the door. I have lost the love I have and the ability to work as hard as I have been.

But I will not give in.

I say ‘fine.’ “Bring it, Bipolar’.

The thing I have learned from this new chapter of life is… it is okay it is necessary to just say no.

See, I am a people pleaser. I just cannot say no. To anything. Even if I know I shouldn’t or couldn’t do something I was asked I would try to find some slight chance I can and slowly drive myself crazy stressing out about the actual thing itself or what people think because I haven’t done said thing and if they would be upset or mad or how much it was putting stress on them and -*whew*

I have to just stop.

For myself. For my children. For my family.

Many of you know I have this dream of having my own studio and on line store with my own signature line of glassware among other peices and meet the growing demand for Makikisart products.

I cannot do it right now.  Not just yet.

I don’t have the room, resources or the time to supply the demand of glasses and continue to pursue actual painting that I love and be the best momma I can be.

I attempted a crowd funding project that failed (but was still very educational)

So, I apologize that Makikisart is still delayed, but have no fear, it will be fantastic when it arrives in the real world.

This IS  my year and I will not let stress, hormones or mental illness win. I will continue to find silver linings (because they are ALWAYS there if you have the right perception)

So here’s to taking one step at a time and continuing this journey. Sometimes you have to take a few steps back but you can keep moving forward and that makes it all the more worth it. Never give up. Goonies never say die.

So maybe it will not cure the world of all it’s negativity…but hug someone today. Or just love someone.  Let love win.

Hi, I’m Kimmy and I like warm hugs.

Till next time.

 

I’m Bipolar. So, there’s that.

Today is my first day back to ‘reality’.

I spent all of last week at my parent’s house.

It was actually very relaxing and nice.

I was the center of attention- and I enjoyed it.

Thanks, mom.

So anywho, many of you know my story of how I got to where I am.

Of course it begins with my birth- and I was convinced I could remember it (ha) – but I correlated that memory with the first memory I had after the car accident.

I remember feeling safe and warm and not wanting to be pulled (or pushed) out of my warm and safe ‘womb’ where I could not feel any pain, but the doctor who was sewing my eyebrow shut and literally inches from my face was trying to talk to me and make sure I was coherent.

I also remember feeling the warmth on my arms [both] as they laid my casts from my hands to my shoulders.

SO I guess it was just a mixture of thoughts and fears and memories trying to process what the hell just happened to me.

I also feel like I know what my death will be like because I had myself CONVINCED I was dying.

I could not remember the accident and now, 16 years later, It has all come back to me. Crystal clear.

I remember the confusion.

I remember all the people stopping and getting out of the cars to see if they could help.

I remember all the chaos, the yelling, the crying…..I remember it.

I remember the men holding my arms and legs as the acid was eating my flesh and I couldn’t get the words out.

They did not know that the antifreeze was so hot that it burned my skin and continued to do so as they tried to hold me still to avoid spinal injury.

I forgave them for they knew not what they were doing.

My father was holding my head and making me ‘look into his eyes’

I know I made some inhumane noises and I thought I was SCREAMing Daddy it hurts please make it stop!!! Make it stop!!! but apparently that is not what it sounded like.

If they knew I was in the most excruciating pain I will probably ever experience, they would have moved me away from the puddle of antifreeze I was lying in.

I was in pain.

So. Much. Pain.

I think I died for a moment. They tell me I was unconscious. My mom tells me that she thought I was dead when she saw me lying still with my eyes open and her poor heart was torn between coming to my aide or to my sister’s aid first.

It was a mortifying experience for EVERYone involved.

But my memories were suppressed and buried for a long time.

So much has changed since then.

I am finding my path and my career, but I am getting ahead of myself.

I have taken on so many responsibilities.

I need to paint for customers because I need money to live. But I also have many donation requests [like, MANY] and family friends and friends of friends that need a glass here and there and I have very limited time to paint. And limited resources that would expedite business.

I worry too much about what everyone thinks when I say no, so I always say yes and I guess I had to learn the hard way that I have to take care of me first. And be a good [non-over-the-top-stressful-ball-of-worries] mom to my children.

I am taking back my life this summer.

Makikisart is going to be great, but for now I have to work on Kimmy.

If I am really manic, I gotta tell you it is not so bad. It’s actually a great feeling and I trust my husband and Dr.s so I will never refuse medicine if that is what I continue to need.

I am always happy and full of love, my cup runneth over and I believe that no one, no title, no medicine can ever take that away.

So I appreciate the patience and compassion from everyone I have contacted so far…

I still Love everyone 😉

~Kimmy

 

Losing our Freedom

So there is this story about this guy who made a lot of people mad because of his [ignorant] life views.

This story does not surprise me at all.

I am not surprised that some rich, powerful guy who makes his money off others does not recognize nor appreciate the people or talent he makes his money off of.

That’s not news.

What IS news according to our world is that while this guy DOES have the freedom to feel the way he does in this country, he is not allowed to express them. In a phone call. With one significant other in a  what-was-thought-to-be a private conversation.

Don’t get me wrong, he is obviously wrong.

But people are not focusing on the important factor of this story.

The world (or the media’s control of our world) perspective of this story is focused on the drama.

The REAL story that SHOULD be receiving the attention is the legalities.

I think most of us feel protected here in ‘Merica and don’t have too much concern for losing our rights as citizens but guess what folks, it is ALREADY happening!

This is just one example of many all over the news where people’s privacy is being demolished with the dawn of social media and it is changing everything.

This man was raked over the coals in front of the country and lost his job, and money and was banned from his industry because of a conversation that was blasted over media. He was not on a soapbox condemning anyone, he was not slewing hate speech to the masses.

Do not misinterpret me.

I am NOT defending him with this point.

I am pointing to an arising issue that we are missing because it is our nature to get so caught up with drama.

This sounds eerily familiar to someone else who was also raked over the social condemnation coals for using language that was from her life experience.  And I love that woman. She loves butter, I love butter.

We are losing our freedom as we speak.

A huge issue at this very moment is being defined about whether or not police will be allowed to search your cell phone with an arrest warrant.

This is huge people.

I personally have no problem with this because I have nothing to hide but it is the principal.

We are losing our freedom.

Social media can post pictures of any one  and it can go viral without their own knowledge.

My first experience with this was when someone complained about public pictures that were posted on a bar/dance club’s fan page and people were being documented for the world to see without their knowledge.

It happens EVERY where now.

I worry for our children, for my daughter.

We are all at EVERYone’s disposal because ANYone can post anyTHING whether it is true or tampered with and it is free to go viral for the world to see without any justice.

We have all heard stories of student’s accusing teachers, employee’s accusing bosses about anything and once this happens, the accused is condemned until proven innocent.

We are losing freedom.

People are now capable of condemning anyone with any incriminating detail- whether it is valid,  circumstancial  or completely made up!

It is a new world folks.

My only advice is to try not to jump on the bandwagon and condemn anyone or anything before you really know anything about it.

And I don’t mean by the viral memes and such.

Social media is breaking down the news and media’s control of our perception of the ‘goings-on’ of the world.

It is truly the dawn of a new age.

News is liquid.

We are learning events from first person point of views AS they are happening. BEFORE the powers-at- be have time to manipulate it.

But the flip side to this exiting coin is that we have to truly consider what our focus is.

Let’s try to be less hateful, and try to look at everything with a little bit of grace. With love.

Glass houses, people.

I would hate for the world to run with any of my faults before I had a chance to stand trial.

SO continue in love all 🙂

My 35th Birfday

I just got out of the shower after running five miles and was about to get in bed when I realized… I have a few words to share.

First of all, I understand that most of you have no idea how absurd that previous sentence is.

I just recently discovered that I loved running.

And that I could run for that matter.

I have been up and down with exercise my entire life, I reached an ultimate low for physical health last year.

After an all-clear from the doctor which thwarted my quick-fix-because-I-am-sure-this-constant-fatigue-and-weight-gain was due to a thyroid issue and would be resolved with some medical science…..I was told to adjust my diet and exercise. Ick.

A few days later I heard an ad on Pandora for a 30 day trial for Daily Burn, a health and fitness program with a variety of workout programs.

I [surprisingly] stuck with it. After 6 months I moved onto Insanity program. I completed 2 full sessions and am still using the second month workouts intermixed with running and cross training.

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I plan to run my first half marathon this September.

^^^THAT sounds so surreal.

Anyway, this is all important to know, because not only am I experiencing a physical metamorphose, I am experiencing a mental change.

I am truly convinced that we were meant to work. To sweat. To push. To feel sore. To recover. To repeat.

It doesn’t matter where you are. You can start anywhere. Just going for a walk. Taking the stairs. It all sounds so cliche but I swear it is all so true.

If you stick with it, you will eventually feel so much better.

Of course a healthy diet will help, but to be honest, I knew I would never be happy with a completely healthy diet (hello my name is Kimmy, and I am addicted to sugar [eating bottle caps as she types]) so that is why I realized I would literally have to work my butt off.

Okay, okay sorry for the PSA on fitness but I just want to share what I am experiencing.

I thought 35 was going to be hard for me, not sure why, it was just my milestone birthday.

*So many people think 30 is a big deal but I say, embrace it. Now you have a whole new decade to look good for. You may have looked/felt good for being in your twenties but now   you look/feel great for being in your thirties!

I was experiencing a lot of anticipation building up to this day and it was a terrific day. Hubs had to work so  I spent it coloring chalk Disney princesses  with my kids and neighbors. Yep, I played with my peers.  As I did not have a birthday cake, I carried a tub of icing and a box of graham crackers around without any judgement nibbling. all. day. long. It was deeeeelightful.

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I feel like I finished the 1st major portion of life and am just starting the next.

I experienced a lot. A lot of good. A lot of bad. A lot of joy. A lot of heartache. A lot of confusion. A lot of questions. A LOT of stumbling.

I am so blessed to be at a point where the grass is greener right here.

I have found myself,  fallen in love,  and it has allowed me to fall in love with the world around me.

I am so imperfect and I am SO okay with that.

Actually, I am great with that.

Sure I have wanted things, a nicer car, more financial stability, a house of our own, but you know what?  I have exactly what I need.

I have my health, my family, my beautiful battle scars to remind me of how strong I didn’t even know I could be and I have love. So much love.

Love makes life great.

Love your family, love your friends, love strangers…..and love your enemy.

No matter what kind of struggles or issues you are experiencing with whomever you are experiencing them with, let love win.

Realize that you ultimately have different perceptions and you are misinterpreting each other. Let. Love. Win.

You will be amazed at what it can do.

Ok, off to sleep and see what exiting things He has in store for the next chapter starting tomorrow.

I love you  all.

 

 

 

 

Making Your Own Happily Ever After -My Messy Beautiful

Disheveled, appealing combatant.

Sloppy, gorgeous assailant.

Dirty, alluring soldier.

Grimy, lovely trooper.

Okay, okay so I used a thesaurus.

But what an interesting range of meaning, right?

Messy, Beautiful Warrior is a title I am honored to carry.

It took me a long time to reach this confidence.

Once upon a time I was on a much’ cleaner’ [so I thought] academic path attending a Christian college, studying to become a teacher just like my big sisters before me.

Then a family car accident changed my life.

Several weeks in the hospital, a couple months of outpatient therapy, nasty, nasty skin debridement sessions, radiation treatments [which I was convinced I smelled like bacon for a long time] and a skin graft later, I was on my way to physical recovery with some self conscious battle scars that my nineteen year old self just did not appreciate.

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There was a change in me. I fell into depression and struggled with anxiety as I just…lost my direction.

Subsequently switching schools and majors several times [none being art related] I ended up with a career in the service industry, waiting tables and tending bar for over a decade.

I conceived the first night I spent with a man I met while bartending that I had only known a few months and my very, very NON -maternal self was. scared. poopless.

*dramatic pause for effect*

Turns out… I LOVE making people!!

I married that man and we made another person.

I thank God everyday for knowing what He was doing when I so clearly didn’t.

Now I have always doodled and been creative but it was not until years later that I found an old window in the basement and painted it to hang it in our living room, revealing a passion for painting on glass.

Discovering a new medium to work with, I started collecting salvaged windows and mirrors – right off the curb [much to the hub’s delight] and enjoyed transforming trash into art.

I named my business Makikisart  -for ‘mama’ and ‘aunt Kiki’ which was all I heard when I watched my nephews while I began painting pieces to sell. Now that they have outgrown that term of endearment it has become even more valuable to me.

I started participating in the local art events and even displayed my work at the restaurant I was tending bar at. I painted a set of glasses as a gift. Their unexpected popularity changed the focus from salvaged windows to stemware.

I transitioned from art shows to wine shows.

With the arrival our second miniature person I could not easily participate in events,  and decided to experiment with Facebook.

I found my niche.

Makikisart now ships world wide and has merchandise available for purchase at several local establishments.

Having been featured in several interviews, news articles and magazines including Success Magazine, Gladys Magazine and Today’s Bride; my business is growing and exploring many new avenues.

However, in real life, I am the sloppiest of sloppy and messiest of messy works-in-progress ever. I juggle being a full time mama to our 5 and 7  year old, and being a [for real, actual] ‘artist’-

*giggle , I never dreamed I would be a real, live artist someday. That was more of a childhood dream. Like being a ballerina. Or an astronaut.*

-that paints from a small little space and tries her hardest to keep track of everything without being seen in public with paint on her face, hair, or teeth [true story]. Paint on her hands and clothing have become trademark.

When my kids go to bed I pour a big ol’ glass of wine and go to work. When they get up, I pour a big ol’ cup of coffee and go to work. I hear sleep is overrated.

I gave up a lot of – ok ALL- of my personal time to grow my little people and my business. I let go of my social life and my physical fitness for quite some time.

This last year I have committed to a healthy lifestyle and exercise regime and for the FIRST time in my life I feel confident in every way. I am proud of my battle scars and don’t feel like I need to hide them anymore. Like the Japanese art form “Kintsukuroi” where broken pottery is repaired with gold and the final piece is considered more beautiful for having been broken, scars make us stronger and more beautiful for having earned them.

Looking back it is easy to see that every failure, every pain, every stumble was just another step on my path that I just couldn’t see yet.  I hope to inspire anyone who feels lost or depressed or confused or just feels like they are not ‘doing life right’  because I have been there. I thought I was messing up and making the wrong life decisions for a long time.  I have been at the lowest of low points. Physically and mentally. I didn’t realize what I wanted to be when I grew up until after I grew up. I want to share this with young women who aren’t sure of what they want to do yet, I hope to teach my daughter not to stress too much if she ‘off roads’ life a little.  It has taught me not to fear what the future has in store, rather, to try to accept it, use it, and to continue always looking on the bright side.

That practically-stranger and I have now been married almost eight years and though times were not always easy, I am happier than I could have ever imagined.

I am excited to continue this journey even though I am still making messes and stumbling as I go.

I am a Messy, Beautiful Warrior.

I firmly believe that learning to look at the silver lining in EVERY situation is key for success in life.

Always treat others as you want to be treated, give everyone and everything a second chance. Socializing, networking and being NICE will take you far. You never know what a little sunshine will do for someone else. Little rays of sunshine have done a lot for me.

Rejection is inevitable, I have faced way more rejection with business than acceptance and it has taught me to be stronger. Believe in myself. There comes a point where rejection no longer discourages you, rather it encourages you to push on. Be better.

I hope that by sharing my continuing journey I help to inspire and motivate anyone who feels lost or hopeless because we don’t all follow the same plan or template. We can make our own happily ever after.

Stay strong and carry on my fellow Messy, Beautiful Warriors.

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Pointing and Laughing

If you haven’t heard the story about SELF magazine and the tutu shaming, you will.

When I read this story this morning it reopened an old wound.

When I was a freshman in high school, there was a solar eclipse.

For science class we got to go outside to observe.

We had special eye protection and were told to not look directly at the sun.

The local newspaper was there to report on the event.

As we were heading back inside, the photographer asked me for my name and I was SO excited to have my picture in the paper!!!!

The next day I was ecstatically searching the pages when to my horror, I saw the picture of me staring up into the sky (without the eye protection) as an example of what NOT to do.

I. was. mortified.

Being a new kid – transferred from a private Christian school to the big scary public high school- my little fourteen-year-old-perceived-world that was of course all about myself was so embarrassed.

For a an ENTIRE day.

Okay, okay it was not as life debilitating as I once thought it was.

Granted this is in a far more grand and magnified arena.

Like so many others, I was so upset and disappointed with SELF magazine.

Then I worked out. Hard. And I have discovered that workout time is my best thinking time. It makes me step back to take a better look at the picture (even though, I believe we never can actually see the entire picture as I explain in my post: This Is Gonna Piss Someone Off )

First of all, it is easy to be disappointed, but we shouldn’t be angered with the magazine to threaten cancellation like I have witnessed so many people express.

The magazine should have considered the negative perspective of shaming anyone when trying to be healthy. That was a huge mistake.

But the fact that the woman was technically deceived by whomever got her permission without clarifying why was not necessarily the magazine as a whole’s fault.

We too often ‘write off’ people and businesses and establishments and ideas when someone makes a mistake. Even when it is a huge, what-were-you-thinking kind of mistake.

Thank goodness I was not cancelled after all of my own huge, what-was-I-thinking mistakes.

I think SELF is receiving enough punishment and I truly believe with my (perhaps overly trusting, naive heart) that they did not mean to attack any individual. Especially one who is battling cancer.

The majority of the response I have witnessed is actually positive (except for the magazine shaming). It is making us all realize how ridiculous it is to belittle or make fun of one another. How are we supposed to teach our kids the importance of it when we are constantly bashing each other, sharing mean pics of complete strangers and pointing fingers and laughing at ANYone who is different enough in an unacceptable way.

I am not trying to make anyone feel bad here. We all do it. Just maybe it is time we notice we are doing it and what kind of message it is giving to our future generations.

The good news is we can always find a silver lining and the huge silver lining of this story is that it is spotlighting an amazing woman with an amazing cause who is going to get a lot of business and attention from this. In the end, I believe, love prevails. Love will win.

SO keep our chins up and try to be forgiving.

The magazine made a huge mistake, but they apologized and I still like the magazine. I think it overall helps people because I can say from very real, very personal and very recent experience that nutrition, exercise and overall health which is what they are all about, IS so good for all of us. I hate to see such a [usually] good  thing be written off from one mistake.

We all experience lots of negativity in life and I believe it is a necessary part of defining who we are.

However, I think people as a whole, are so quick to jump on the wagon and attack anyone or anything before knowing the entire story.

We have all experienced it and we need to embrace it, use it, and let it make us better. Forgive. Love. Be better. Win.

 

SPRING BREAK!!! ~sure doesn’t mean what it used to

Ohio weather, you stink.

Sure 60 one week, snow the next, but in the same day?

We all deserve a LOT more credit for being as mentally stable as we are.

*Note that I did not say mentally stable period, just mentally stable as we are.

My little family spent this busy weekend adventuring together.

Saturday was my son’s hockey practice where hubs is assisting coaching and we all stayed for open skate. Which is actually typical weekend scheduling for us, but today we went to the Cleveland Zoo Rainforest.

I have not been there in over 20 years.

It was awesome.

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Perfect cold day to spend in the humidity and there was not too many people so there was plenty of room and time to spend at each exhibit.

I was most mesmerized by the ants.

Gosh, I’m old….seriously? The ANTS?

They were fascinating!

Leafcutters. The exhibit was set up to stretch across 30 feet of a dark room. One end had the leaf chamber,where behind the glass you could see the ants cutting and separating leaf cuttings from a tree. Then there were tunnels and clear pipes that came out of the walls and back into the exhibit where you could observe a massive ant farm with tunnels and chambers and you could follow them on their way back and forth.

I could have sat there all day. What coordination. What cooperation. What work ethic. They as a species are marvelous. If only ours could take note.

My next favorite would have to be the sloth.

Again, how exciting is that?

Seriously the sloth?

Yep. I was taken with him and watching his cliche slow movement. Which was constant so I assume, for this guy, it was a pretty active day.

Last, and probably my most favorite was the cameleon.

He was so cool. Watching his eyes move and his feet step slowly, I could see the Lion King, Tangled and Rango animated versions clearly while studying this guy.

Yah, I guess you could say my zoo pallet has matured over the years. Not the orangutans, not the alligators, not the little lemur looking monkey dudes, but the cameleon…..the sloth….and the ants. Huh, kinda boring.

While we did not take home any crazy souvenirs:

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We did experience rock candy for the first time. That took me back. Always was a ‘souvenirish’ treat only experienced at excursions and very easily pacifies the desire to purchase something ridiculously priced at gift shops.

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Wow the phrase ‘Spring Break’ sure does evoke a whole different set of emotions than it did 15 years ago.

Su-ure, anyone can find the thrill of going to the beach, relaxing under the hot sun, sleeping in and partying late.

But real excitement is found in the challenge of making educational memories for little molding minds while dealing with inclement weather, a limited budget and a constricted time schedule yet-trying-to-keep-up-with-work-and-stay-on-top-of-YOUR-HOUSEHOLD-AND-SANITY-WHILE-KEEPING-LITTLE-PEOPLE-BUSY-ENOUGH-TO-NOT-DESTROY-ONE-ANOTHER-AS-THEY-LITERALLY-DEMAND-YOUR-ATTENTION-EVERY-TEN-MINUTES *inhales*

*sniffs*

So I raise my glass of reasonably priced boxed wine and my secret hidden stash of girl scout cookies to all us moms out there. who have a completely different opinion of Spring Break these days.

*klink*

Good luck folks

This is gonna piss someone off

I have been told all my life I am a nice person.

I have been told I am too nice.

Actually, I have even been called a pushover, spineless, foolish and told that I have no pride.

My husband once joked that if someone threw poop in my face, I would respond sincerely ‘I’m sorry, was I in your way?’

However, the usual opinion I have received is positive.

I don’t think I have made enemies anywhere. Not that I am aware of anyway.

Unfortunately, my kindness, like many others in this world,  is seen sometimes as a weakness.

But here is a secret.

It is truly a strength.

I myself, didn’t always know that.

But lately, I am going through some serious metamorphosis’.

My career and path has been become straighter these past few years as I have figured out what I am gonna be when I grow up, and most recently, for the past year, I have undergone a physical change. I have committed to serious exercise and I am literally feeling reborn. Not only physical changes, but mental. Now the mental may be a combination of all of it.

I used to feel lost and confused but now I get it, I know what I am supposed to do and it is giving me clarity and confidence that I have not felt in a looooong time.

I always felt I seem flighty and kind of silly and I never voice my thoughts entirely too much when it comes to ‘intellectual’ debate.

But I am realizing, no, not realizing, I always knew…… I am able to express why properly.

See, I am the kind of person that is smart (I swear, I am lol) but every time I open my mouth, what comes out ends up sounding like NOTHING that was in my mind.

I have trouble expressing my thoughts. Guess what, we ALL do. Just some, like myself….absolutely suck at it.

Not only do people express things differently, they interpret them differently.

So we are all misunderstanding things and each other ALL the time. Which really, when you think about it, is the root of every problem of mankind.

I am not trying to sound monumental or anything, lots of people get this, but it’s solidifying for me.

My own siblings and I who came from the same background, and had many similar life experiences and ate similarly, raised similarly, dressed similarly have trouble understanding each others points let alone someone from a different economic, ecologic, and educational background.

It is easy to get offended, or mad at…..anything. The way something sounded, the way some one looked at you, the  tone someone used talking to you,

If we could all try to not take it the way it seems it would make us a lot more forgiving.

When someone seems rude in line, they are not necessarily a rude person, they may have just had terrible news, or feeling sad or overwhelmed.

I think most of us realize that, we just react how we do because we are experiencing everything we have going on too. SO we may take offense and put too much thought into it because we had bad news or are feeling sad or overwhelmed or any of the other infinite situations.

So basically, there will NEVER be a perfect exchange of information because everything ANYONE does or says results in the limitless factors of their personality, upbringing, mood, anything that effects the way they express anything at any given moment, and it will never be interpreted by ANYONE exactly the same because again, the limitless factors of their personality, upbringing, mood, etc affects the way they interpret it.

This is not just with direct interaction. It is everything we experience.

Take a movie.

If you miss the beginning of a movie, you may watch the whole thing, but interpret it differently than you would had you seen the entire thing.

My husband was watching The Siege the other night while I was writing notes for this post.

I had seen the part where Bruce Willis and Denzel Washington are standing off each other’s authority. I always thought Bruce Willis was such an obvious monster, and now that I watched more of it (not all, mind you) I can empathize with his character.  Kind of like how awful Darth Vader is but once you watch episode III, you can’t help but feel sorry for him and it changes the perspective of him forever. And maybe it doesn’t for you.  But it does for some.

And how the soldiers cannot help but feel obligated to listen to Bruce Willis even though he is wrong (to us, the audience) because it is all they know. They don’t see the whole picture yet. Just like I didn’t see the whole picture when I watched a scene and didn’t know what was going on. Just like really, NONE of us ever see the entire picture of what is going on. Ever. We see clips, we see Facebook profiles, we see what the media and news tells us, we see how the person in line sounds rude to us but we don’t see every factor in their life that leads up to that exact moment to explain why. AND, if we did, every factor of our life leads up to how we INTERPRET it.

This is especially true with writing.

We can read one sentence, just five words and interpret it totally different.

For example read the sentence:    You think I am bad?  You think I am bad? You think I am bad? You think am bad? You think I am bad? You think I am bad?

See how just emphasizing different words give it a slightly different meaning every time.

That is just one little sentence. Think of a paragraph. Think of a book. We understand the basis, but we just might get a little difference of interpretation of the littlest details.

Have you ever been in a book club where you discuss the same words with someone who didn’t interpret the same thing you did?

And furthermore, we, ourselves interpret things so differently depending on what we have experienced. Have you ever read a book ten years later than the first time and you interprest it so differently. I know I have. Movies changed for me monumentally after I had kids. The exact movie I used to watch was different somehow because I had a different perspective.

There are SO many different factors to expression and perspectives or interpretations, it is impossible to have the exact same as ANYONE.

Haven’t we all watched drama unfold on Facebook because everything is taken out of context. And every opinion is expressed and interpreted differently and it so quickly expands and blows up. That is an analogy of how far things  get expressed and interpreted so differently that it causes debates, it causes crime, it causes war.

All of this, for me, boils down to one point. We will never understand everything exactly the way it was meant, or exactly the same as everyone else.

That is why I don’t debate politics. I don’t debate religion….too much.

I am a Christian. I don’t like to advertise that with my business too much, not out of shame or anything, but because so many people form immediate perspectives or opinions just by seeing that word. Christian. It is such controversial word, what isn’t anymore. I would rather be an example of what I believe to people that would otherwise be turned off with a title.

I have faith.

I am a believer.

It may not be exactly what you believe, it may not be exactly what my family or friends believe because (all together now) we all have unique perceptions and interpretations of everything. Including God.

I believe in God. I feel his love.

I struggle and question just as much as the next person about the Bible, and what it means exactly because I believe none of us know exactly…anything. I believe we are not meant to.

I will not debate what I think is right and wrong, because I am not sure and I believe no one can be.

Everything is debatable. Medicine, science, math,  things that seem objective have debates by the most educated, prestigious scholars.

I DO know that I myself, do plenty wrong. We all do. So why should we debate what we think others do, or whether or not it even is  wrong.

But the one thing I can honestly say I do know (but I cannot explain to make you know) is  love. That is a pretty clear point to me.

I grew up going to Christian school and I learned a lot of Bible verses and I studied much of the Bible and can honestly say I have read the entire thing through out my life.

A lot has spoken to me, different perspectives at different points of life. I encourage people to experience reading it, but I also am aware of how my upbringing has made it different for me. Who would open that book for the first time and make sense of it all. The discussions I have had with people that did not have the same history as me makes me realize how different interpretations and perspectives are.Watch Full Movie Online Streaming Online and Download

I am getting off point. I would love to go further with so much more, more about my opinions, more about my personal formula of my perspective from my life history and experiences but I don’t want to lose the point of this post.

My point is, I try not to see the bad in anyone.

I would hate for people to see my bad reaction (which there are plenty) to something and assume anything negative about me.

I find it hard to believe people are naturally mean.

I think there are so many underlying factors for every specific scenario that I want to be forgiving. To be nice. You never know what that can do for someone.

I try to stay a positive person in general.

If everyone tried to be a light in this world rather than bring anymore darkness, there would be a lot less….bad.

Love. Be a light. Show love, even if it is just by being nice. You can never be too nice.

 

Mark 12:31:                      The second is this: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ There is no commandment greater than these.”

I Corinthians 13:13:     And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

I Peter 4:8 :                      Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins.

AND since it is inevitable that my words will be perceived and interpreted in a way other than I intend, know that I believe no one can know anything, including myself. So this is just a dialogue I have had forever, put down for you to see into me.

 

Watch Movie Online Logan (2017)

Bye Bye Baby

The night before my daughter’s 5th birthday, while I was experiencing the nightly frustration of tucking, retucking, and re-retucking her in, it hit me. As she drifted off to sleep still holding my hand and I felt her round little fingers subconsciously squeeze mine, I realized that this is my deadline. I always thought I would love more children but not if they were over five years apart.

I think I am officially out of babydom.  Toddlerness.  Infantville.

I am officially the mama of two kids.

It’s so funny to me.

Eight years ago, I was sure I never wanted children.

Then, I made one and fell so head over heels in love with him, I made another.

Then, I literally ached for more. I wanted  a big family. We just have not been in a financially stable enough position to do so. I wanted to experience the whole thing again. I loved my babies and little people so much, I was already missing the earliest years while I was LIVING the earliest years. I didn’t want to ever be without the little, cuddling, nuzzling, inhaling their sweet, sweet baby aroma point.

Now… I am so loving this age. The go potty, get your shoes on and buckle yourselves in age.

My children are old enough to take care of themselves physically and young enough to be happy spending time with me.

Seriously. What precious moments from the princess of pout:

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02 03 04 06 07 08 09 101 111 112 113 114 115 116

 

Aaah, such a gem.

 

But really, I have learned already how fleeting it all is, and that every stage really does have it’s own highlights.

My personal mental goal for myself is to stop stressing about everything; the future, the past and just enjoy where I am. In every way possible. Whether it is the stage my family is at or something as minimal as waiting in traffic when I am late for something…or when I feel so irritated at night because I have to spend ten minutes getting my daughter to stay in bed when I am tired and need to go paint or go to sleep. Those are precious, fleeting moments where she just wants me to sing to her, hold her hand, or just be near her as she drifts off to sleep.

Here it is already. My kids are seven and five. I already miss the sleepless nights of nursing and rocking them. I am recognizing it and trying to teach myself the lesson to cherish it all.

I know the days of slamming the door on me and not wanting me in their rooms are fast approaching.

I have already been ‘the meanest mom ever’ and been asked if I could be traded in for a new one.

And I know it is just going to get worse.

So enjoy where you are everyone.

Because it is fleeting.

And because it probably will get worse. Ha.

Remember, today is the oldest you have ever been and the youngest you’re ever going to be.

And the past is the past and tomorrow is tomorrow and today is a gift so we call it today….or something like that.

~The cliche butcher (a pet name for me by the hubs)

 

 

 

Lighten Up People

I have been keeping myself pretty busy these days.

However, I recently came across an interesting read about the inquiry of how often one should post on their blog.

While there were many answers and opinions and discussions on the subject, I did find that not one recommended blogging on a monthly basis. Seems I am not properly updating so I figured it would be a good time to do so.

Life is still crazy hectic.

Just like I am sure it is for every one of you.

School, work, kids, snow, freezing-ludicrous-cold, new year, car, dentist, birthdays, schedules, appointments, meetings, itineraries, illness, celebrations, babies, weddings, family, friends, loss, recoveries, and rebirths keep us all so busy.

It is easy to forget to relax every once in awhile. To slow down, or *gasp* stop even, to enjoy….life.

It is the little things that make life meaningful.

It is the silly things that make life humorous.

And sometimes it is up to us to change our perception to improve our own circumstances.

We need to lighten up.

Silly things… like the need to document toy Finn Mcmissile’s last journey.

The other night I was irritated with my son’s busted toy matchbox Finn Mcmissile car. It used to say quotes from the movie when you pushed a button but something happened and it started making the most irritating, drone noise and will. not. stop.

It was annoying at first.

Then I posted about it and laughed at the responses. Then someone recommended I make it a contest to see how long this thing will last.

Now, four days after he started, I am carrying this thing around so I know the moment he stops and he has officially grown on me. I am enjoying documenting his last days. Or weeks. Or however this thing goes on.

I was just explaining this to hubs in the car this morning.

He fails to see the thrill and excitement I get from capturing images on Finn’s travels.

While it makes me giggle when I explain that I need a pic of my toy Finn on the counter of Dunkin Donuts, or the bar at Applebees, it makes him uncomfortable.

When I have to take Finn out of my pocket and hand him to the security guard at the Cleveland Q for the Lake Erie Monster’s game after he set the alarm off, I can see him shaking his head at me.

Silly, eccentric people like myself, can appreciate the oddness of the moments and enjoy sharing them with the masses.

Because you all will be glad to see updates of ‘Finn watch”

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The young employees seemed perplexed when the patron whipped a toy car out of her pocket and squatted down to snap a pic while they made her coffee…

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At least I was considerate enough not to to snap a pic at the hub’s office while he was looking. I’ll let his coworkers ask about it when I’m not there…

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The most casual of all encounters was the bartender. When asked if he minds if his pic is up for thousands to see ‘naaah,  I wouldn’t be surprised if there wasn already one somewhere’

I actually had Finn in my coat pocket at church this morning but decided against perching him on the pew in front of me for a photo op.

I did have someone tell me in the checkout line at the store that my phone was vibrating  which I just had to smile and respond ‘thanks, it’s just my toy Finn Mcmissile’.  I figure they were quite satisfied with that answer or too afraid to ask because nothing else was said.

So what started out as a complete pain to me, has become really amusing.

My perspective of it has changed.

So try to relax and enjoy the silliness that life has to offer. Lighten up people.

There will always be enough deadlines and responsibilities to keep us busy. Try to enjoy the little things. The silly things.

 

Oh yah, I almost forgot about my fitness update!

I just finished the entire Insanity program, and I am starting it over tomorrow. That gives me enough time to complete it again before my 35th Birthday.

I never weigh myself so I have no idea where I am or how much I lost, but I AM wearing jeans I wore in college (as in, PRE-baby) *yesssssssss*

I’ll check in again after the first month.

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